Born In My Heart
I arrive home to the sound of music coming from the master bedroom. As I open the door, I see my husband, dancing with our two little girls, one in each arm. My heart melts from their joy and laughter. I join in and we alternate partners, dancing and dancing until the time comes for me to carry our youngest daughter to bed. Before putting her to bed, we rock, and I sing while kissing her softly. I look into her beautiful Asian eyes and catch the reflection of my heart, the very same heart that she and her sister were born in.
I often go back in time, almost 27 years ago to a brisk fall day when I was nineteen. I was engaged and happy but my doctor said the words, “You will never be able to have children”. My fiancé subsequently ended our relationship because he wanted his “own children”. I grieved for years, more for the loss of any children I might have had than for the loss of the man I had loved. My entire world was shattered. I was angry with God.
As the years passed I made my peace with God, battled demons, settled down, and bought a home. At the age of 37, I was single, had my friends and a “family” of two dogs and a cat and was content with my life. I didn’t need a husband or family to make me “complete” and truly expected to never have either.
But, Oh how life can turn on a dime! I met a wonderful man who had struggled with his own demons and also conquered them with God’s help. He was also content with himself and was not looking for a relationship to “complete” him. But as Love would have it, we were married nine months later.
Shortly after we were married, we renovated a dilapidated 90 year old house. When the renovation was complete, the house was unbelievably beautiful, but I sensed something was missing. About that time, friends of ours adopted a baby girl from China. The moment I heard the news of their adoption something tugged strongly at my heart After that it seemed that very television show and newspaper and magazine article seemed to be about adoption.
I had never expressed my feeling that something was missing in our new home. But shortly after I began to feel that way, my husband came to me and said, “This house is so beautiful, but what are we supposed to do? Just have it? I’ve been thinking that maybe we should look into adoption.” Needless to say my heart soared and any doubts about where God was leading us were erased.
I attended an adoption orientation at our friends’ agency, HOPE for Children. After the orientation at HOPE, I was sure that she was there, my child, somewhere on the other side of the world waiting. At that moment I believe she was conceived in my heart. At age 41 I was going to become a mother!!!!
The first person we told about our adoption plans was my sweet Aunt Marion who was like a second mother to me. Aunt Marion was so excited, and could not wait to be a part of our daughter’s life. Then, 4 months into our 11-month wait she was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. I was devastated. How could I be happy with one life coming while another was going? Still, in her usual way, Aunt Marion comforted me and continued to be grateful for the life she had been given.
We celebrated my Aunt’s Birthday on December 10 th 2000. She was weak but her faith still strong. She said “I just bet that referral is coming this week, and who knows she may even have my birthday- then we would know it was meant to be.”
On January 7, 2001 she lapsed into a coma at home. I sat with her and cried all that day. The next day I leaned over to her and whispered” You don’t have to stay here anymore. We will be alright if we just know that you are watching over us. Maybe the reason we don’t have our referral yet is because God wants you to help choose her. So if you could, on your way to heaven, please stop in China and watch over her until we get there.”
I was ashamed to say this, but I knew she would understand so I whispered again, “My faith is weak right now so if you could please give me a sign. I need to know that it is all true. That there is heaven and you are there and that our daughter was truly born in our hearts. And you know how stubborn I am so could you make the sign very concrete like that she has your birthday or something.”
Tears streamed down my face as I kissed her and went home. At midnight she passed away.
The next day I found out that our dossier went to the matching room at 12:00 noon January 8 th, which here in the U.S. was midnight, the exact moment she died.
I knew Aunt Marion was right there with God in that matching room.
Ten days later the phone rang at my work. It was Crystal from HOPE for Children, although I did not recognize her voice at first when she said “Is the new mother there???” Once I realized that I was the new mother, I immediately started crying and did not know what to ask first. What is her name? Does she have hair? How old is she? Crystal said, “Well, her name is Yang Han Jun. She is in the Hefei Children’s Welfare Institute and her date of birth is December 10 th 1999.
Abigail had Aunt Marion’s Birthday! I fell to the floor and wept, and have never doubted since.
In China, as I held my baby Abigail for the first time, I thanked God that I could not have children, because if I could I would never have held this little miracle in my arms.
They say in China that there is an invisible red thread that ties souls together who are destined to be together. I believe with all my heart now that this is true. Abigail is “my own child”, as she was supposed to be since the beginning of my life. This was God’s plan all along. She was not born in my womb but in my heart and she grows there everyday. Our souls are forever intertwined. She is bright and funny, happy and beautiful. There has not been a day in 4 years that I have not looked into her eyes and felt mine fill with tears. I never knew I could love this much. God has given our family no greater joy, no greater blessing.
Two years later my husband and I began to be haunted by our pictures of so many children left behind in Abigail’s orphanage alone.
Maybe just one more……Continued…
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