Born In My Heart Part 2
As we began the adoption process, members of our family strongly cautioned us as to how much hard work, time, and lack of freedom would be involved. After we brought Abigail home we wondered why they had not also shared with us how much pure joy we would receive.
Because Abigail had never been outside the orphanage, every blade of grass, every flower and tree were brand new discoveries. I watched her eyes light up as she placed her bare feet on grass for the first time. She reveled in seeing the neighbor’s flowers across the street. I, too, saw these things that I had taken for granted for so long as if I were also seeing them for the first time. They all had a brand new beauty that I had never really noticed before. Her wide new beautiful world was mine, too.
As she slept I would look at her and was surprised by the emotions I began to feel for her birth mother. My heart wept for her loss. I knew deep in my heart she loved her child, and I often wondered if she watched and waited in silent sadness after she laid her down in front of that school gate, hoping she would soon be found. I wondered if she wanted to race back as fast as she could and hold her one more time. I pray each night that somewhere out there she knows her greatest loss has been our greatest blessing. I thank her for this child and pray that she knows she is warm and safe and loved beyond belief. I can only hope that God gives her some sense of peace and wish I could personally express to her my eternal gratitude. Our children both will always be raised knowing how much their birth mothers loved them.
For three years Abigail was the light of our lives, and then we began to feel a familiar tug at our hearts. Pictures and memories of all the children left behind in China would not let our hearts be still, and ultimately led us to start the adoption process for Ellie. I knew from our first adoption that God was in control and we would no doubt receive the child we were supposed to have, but I wondered how I could ever love a second child as much as our first. Everyone assured me that I would, but still, for some strange reason, I had my doubts. As the months passed however I became anxious once again just like the first time. I told a friend; “ I am worried about her. Is she afraid in the night? Does she cry out with no one to rock her and hold her? Is she sad and lonely?” My friend then commented, “And you were worried that you would not love this child enough- You already do.”
When the call from our agency came the second time I was afraid I would not be as excited. How wrong was I! I was driving to work when my phone rang. It was Chrissy from HOPE for Children and she had my husband on the line as well. My husband immediately told me to pull over, because once again I was crying and he knew I was in no shape to drive. Chrissy told us that our daughter’s name was Xian Wu and that she was beautiful!
When we went to China to adopt Ellie I had a different experience than with Abigail. Ellie had grown very attached to a particular caretaker in the orphanage. When we first saw her, she was smiling, and her caretaker was holding her up as she leaned on a stool in the hotel room. Ellie was beautiful and happy. Her caretaker told us she was strong and that Xian Wu (Ellie) had always been her favorite. Ellie’s happiness quickly turned to the deepest grief when she was given to us and her caretaker left. My thoughts this time were only of Ellie’s loss instead of our gain. She was inconsolable and would not let us touch her. We sat her on the bed with a pillow in her lap. She sobbed and rocked and beat her forehead against the pillow. All we could do was sit on either side of her with my hand on her back and rock with her. My heart was broken for her. It was then that I knew how much I loved her. That tiniest bit of love she received from one caretaker was all she had ever known. It was also at that point that I wanted to get on the phone, e-mail, or even beg and plead for anyone who had it in his or her hearts to please consider adoption.
After bringing Ellie home, Abigail refused to be called Abigail any longer. She was “Sissy” now because she was a big sister. As a few months went by Ellie seemed to settle in. It took work and time but one night while rocking Ellie she looked at me and patted my chest. She said,” My Mama, My Mama.” She seemed to sense that she had not had one before. As my eyes once again welled up with tears and I replied; “Yes, Ellie, your Mama forever and ever.
Motherhood has changed my life forever for the better. My love for both of my daughters knows no boundaries; the joy they bring is constant and ever changing. Their smiles are lights in the darkest days, and their unconditional love for my husband and me and ours for them will bless our lives many times over. Abigail is sensitive, dramatic and loving, while Ellie is spirited, strong- willed, and quite mischievous. They each bring such different and wonderful dynamics to our family.
After learning I could not have children I was in a Christian bookstore one day. I saw a plaque called “The Adoption Creed”. I bought it for some strange reason and put it away in my parent’s home. I looked for it several times, once when a friend of mine was considering adoption, and then again before adopting Abigail. I gave up the search; being convinced it had been accidentally thrown out while my parents were re-decorating their home.
Two months before getting Ellie my father came in with a worn old box. He said he had found it stuffed behind a closet in the basement. I opened it and wept. It was The Adoption Creed I had purchased years ago. It now hangs on the wall between my two children’s bedrooms. It reads:
The Adoption Creed
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.
***
Author Unknown
In closing if you feel something deep in your heart - Follow It! For perhaps it is the hand of God leading you to listen to the small still voice inside. It may be the voice of your child saying; “I’m here... waiting.”
God bless you on your journey. |
